paranoia is a terrible thing

she said that i wasn't good enough
okay she didn't say it
but she was thinking it
i know she was thinking it
she's always thinking it
i would be thinking it
i'm always thinking it
what if she hates me
what if she wishes i was never born
what if she wishes she'd gotten an abortion
what if she looks at me
and sees every dead dream from her childhood
in my palm
the house she wanted to live in
in my mouth
the loving husband she never got
in my eyes
the children who listened
who obeyed
who were beautiful
and acceptable
and quiet
and smart
and never talked back
i hate her
i hate her
i hate her
she hates me
i hate myself

paranoia is a terible thing
it builds up walls you don't need
and refuses to tear them down
creates a careful system of winding hallways
each new passage lined with bedroom doors
that if you open them
let a flood wash out
and each flood contains some new and unique mantra
something spicy in room 302
something salty in room 904
something ugly in all of the rooms
something ugly in you
paranoia is a terrible thing

my mother was born into a family of angry people
her mother
my grandmother
had palms like wasp stingers
sharp and quick to strike
her father
my grandfather
drove around the islands in his wife's truck
with his girlfriend
went from binge drinking to bible thumping
turned on a dime
i guess that explains somethings about my mother
my mother has never raised her hand against me
not in the way that her parents did
she was always restrained
always stopped
always preferred to send me to my room
always wanted me to just stop misbehaving
i was always misbehaving
sometimes i would watch her hands as she spoke
and wish
praying
that she'd just
snap
and drag both palms across my face
give me a reason to call the cops
hello
please help
i need to get away
i need to get away
im trapped and i need to get away
help me get away
please
please
please

paranoia is a terrible thing
it's like a skipping record
playing the same four seconds of a song
on repeat
for three days
until something bumps it
and suddenly there's a new soundbyte
a new clip to listen to on repeat for a year
or two
or a life time
im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry
help me help me help me help me help me
i didn't mean to i didn't mean to
please don't hate me
please mom
please
please
paranoia is a terrible thing