it rained today, and i hid away from the clouds, but failed to escape my feelings, again.
i should stop. i shouldn't get into this again, i shouldn't do this to myself any more. i continuously hurt myself and set myself up for disappointment over and over again, and it's enough now. i should stop.
but i can't.
i can't help but remember sitting in my grade 12 art class, mixing blues, and whites, and greys, trying to mix the perfect colour to match your eyes. like some sort of game. as if doing so could prove my talent as an artist, or my love for you, or my will to keep pushing myself to reach for something that is so impossible; such as the colour of your eyes, or your love in return for my own.
god, i'm so sick. not physically, but mentally. i cannot sleep. i awaken every hour, only to be left again with the never ending task of attempting a night that is not restless and lonely and full of missing you.
i still don't know how i can miss you. i still don't know how no matter what the song, it some how reminds me of you. i still don't know how i can stand to hear them. i still don't know how you bring out these ****** pieces of writing out of me. i can't be bothered to even look at my mistakes. i just can't be bothered. my i's go left undotted, and my run on sentences go left unnoticed.
to say i've moved on would be a lie. to say everything is the same would be a lie. to say dreaming about someone who is not you feels right in my heart would be a lie. to say i don't try to make it right would be a lie.
i know i should stop.
i know i shouldn't do this to myself again.
i know i shouldn't get lost in my head again, hoping the thought of you will bring me a peaceful sleep.
i think i'm going to though.
it was my nightly ritual for many months;
suppressed for weeks now.
i think it's time to get lost again.
i think i just might.


come looking for me if you wish.
though, i at least know not to count on it.

love always,
who the **** even cares about the rain, let it dry up.