Closing my eyes
Images burn me
Break my sleep
And my mind

My body hanging
Finally not tense
Eyes rolled back
As I dangle by my neck
Is that how I"ll be free?

Red on the floor
Sticky
Blood
Smoke coming from the barrel
A game of Russian roulette
Where I have lost?
Maybe
But it is only me

I open my eyes
And think about what I see
What I want from me
What I feel from these
Guilt?
Pleasure?
Jealously?
That I feel my skin
And my heart beating.
That instead of the relief
I choose to live
And cry everyday
And will never feel free

But surrounded by friends
I want to make this moment last
This last burst of freedom
Before I go back

To the lust for relief
And the want for death

I just to want to last
To keep forever
The feelings when I'm hugged
When I feel safe
And can relax
My muscles
my mind
My defensive wall

Maybe one day
The imagines will go
But for now
I ignore them
And try to sleep
And when I wake
Try to be happy
The images are fake