i remember when i was afraid of losing my virginity.

when i struggled as he tried to unzip my pants,
put his hand up my shirt.

i remember when his harsh fingers against me hurt
and i wondered if i was going
to hell.

i remember feeling innocent.
feeling whole, unbroken, unspoiled

most of all i remember sitting on the edge of the bed afterwards,
staring at the empty space in front of me
and waiting
to feel
something -
anything.

i have not felt since. not the sharp cold november air against my freckled skin
nor the happiness that bubbles and froths
nor the pain in my chest
where i know it should be.

so i create my own pain -
my own feeling
i burn the life back into my wrists. shock myself back into
emotion.
like i am doctor frankenstein bringing back to life the monster -

but this boy keeps killing me
over
and over
and
over