-31st to the 4th

this was emptiness. coldness I was unsure about. coldness that hadn't touched me for months.
this was me. fallen. in. love.
for the first time.
this was half naked pictures and beautiful promises I clung to.
(a week ago I was clung to you.)
this was the consequences of the lectures I missed so I could stay in your bed.
this was angry emails.
this was empty poems. like this one.

-5th
this was me working hard to be beautiful.
this was you ignoring me. me clinging to others.
this was my need for love and attention.
this was absence.

-6th
more sadness. more emptiness.
more flirty messages from numbers that aren't yours.

-8th to the 9th
this was me being stupid. this was another boys jealously. another boys eyes and hands.

-4:30am - 9am
this was my number 2. this was someone new.
this was intimacy at 6am. raw intimacy.
this was us, face to face, smiles like the old romantic movies i hate.
this was him telling me I am 'daunting'. 'unreadable'.
this was honesty.
this was my secrets hung out in the cold air like wet clothes. all of my secrets.
most of my secrets.
this was body heat.
this was what they mean when they talk about intimacy without ***.
this was his hand on my cheek. in my hair. on my thigh.

this is the price of my loneliness.