Tonight I looked at how much I had fallen behind in school over the past weeks. That's the way to make me have a panic attack. Right there. I realized that I'll have to make up all of this work, and yet still get a much worse grade than if I had done it in the first place. I don't know weather or not to be glad when I've taken to much time and cannot make it up at all. This is great in that I will not even have the option to do the work, but horrible in that I know I waited so long that I missed the points completely. This is one of my greatest bring-downs. I look back at all the time I wasted because I'm an idiot, and think I ****** things up because I'm and idiot. Then, upon the attempt to make the work up, I am paralyzed because of my weeks of calling myself an idiot. I stare at the screen and tell myself at least organizing the work to be done was good, and brave. I do little more than this when these things happen. I cry and panic and think the only way to get out of this mess is suicide. This seems like an over reaction, but it's how my brain works. Telling myself I ****** up too bad, and there is no getting out of my mistakes. Not that I might deserve to die because of being an idiot, but that it is the only way to relieve myself of what I have done. I go through this consistantly, at least once every semester. I don't believe that I deserve to do this. I could work to not fall behind, yes. But I don't think that would be possible at this point in my life. Between work and my poor back and trying to figure out this ******* mind of mine. I need not have this thing that reminds me in percentages how ****** of a job I'm doing. I need not put myself though this again. I can't handle it, I'm not made to do this all at once. Some can't, I can't.