The compliments gave can sometimes save me
For if this small frame escapes me I'm afraid the habits will return
along with the after binge burn.
Think of any sin you've committed times that guilt by
24 hours
7 days a week
365 days in a year
for 13 years
I allowed these words never to reach inquiring ears
Not because of the judgement but more for my own selfish fears.
If I shared my secret of staying thin while they watch the pounds of food I put in
I might not be the smallest in the pack
I can't say I'm ready to handle that.
I'm used to hearing how thin and cut
i never again want to feel the pain of being the girl that's over weight
So I cause pain just so I can stay in a size three I never want a size five to perfectly fit me.
My poetry bleeds my story of resent but no one can figure my addiction
Too skilled to show that the reason I'm small could be the reason I die.
Between burgers and fries I imagine that perfect size and the way my thighs never meet,
and I think about the girls who want to be skinny just like me.
I can't remember when it all began I just can recall I miss the feeling of escaping from the world for a second of peace.
For split seconds no one is there but food and me and the anger is released
My relationship with "ANA" is beginning to end but some nights I have to pray harder than others
so she wont come strolling back in my life.
She brought me years of tears and lonely nights
But the poetry she gifted me seems worth the fights.
I didn't say goodbye to her for if we speak she will get her anorexic fingers back around me
so tight I cannot breathe, so tight I cannot eat the perfect way to fall victim to her game
I pray everyday that the habits will change one day.
I pray for my existence and a sane mind for if I give her one second of my time
I don't think I'll make it out alive.