let’s just end this pleasantly
you do what you please
without this dreary back and forth
vying for what exactly..?

any touch other than mine?
some barren wasteland
of some used up ****
or greasy Mexican
hardened ******* ****

this takes too much
of my precious time
or wasted time
either way

i heard the faintly
familiar sound of you
running out on reality,
like Alice chasing
that elusive rabbit
falling into a spiral
downward
facing dog

had your sleeves rolled up
and denim pulled down
hoping to fool yet
another kind of beating *****
hidden beneath layers of
thick cotton blend fabric
whose fibers remind me
of connection --

you know, that thing
that we pretended
to have.

like that time
that I told you
I owned a cat that died
in the fire of an
invented childhood

it felt almost real
like us

you washed your hands
three times that day
and you still
can’t get me off

can’t get me out
from under your
masticated claws

why so anxious?

i saw the nerves
pulsating beneath your
nearly transparent skin
hands clammy and cold
like your usual demeanor

you asked if I’d moved on,
well, I hadn’t but my body did
so I aggressed passively
the way you begged me to

yes, she was prettier than you
and yes, she was funnier than you
yes, she gave a better kiss
with softer lips
and she tasted like a
spoonful of sugar
helped the alcohol
go down

you secreted poison
into us and into me
lies soaked in formaldehyde
dripping from between
your trembling, dope sick
walking sticks

an act you balanced well
with no recognition of any
sort of lines
no black or white, just gray
like the cloud
hanging over your head

you rained down
self loathing and dread
and it soaked through my clothes
til my skin wrinkled

i couldn't take it anymore
i couldn't fake it anymore
and i felt bad for lying to you

but in retrospect
i should have lied a little more
i should have yelled a little more
to make you suffer
just a little more

that night before the very end
i sat alone, singing songs
of unrequited love
with a guitar between my legs
while you screamed for drugs
with a strangers ****
between yours