Im sitting here, awake, at 2:30 in the morning. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not happy with who I am. I don't know how to change who I am. Many say you first have to learn to love yourself before you can be truly happy. How? How do you do that? Through the countless articles and videos I've seen, most have a common theme that they follow. Acceptance, peace, zen. These are some of the common ones. But the one that I don't know how I would ever accomplish is letting go. I've never been good with letting go. I hold on to as much as I possibly can. How does one go about letting go? What does that even mean? I know it doesn't mean forgetting. So what does it mean? Its the exact same thing as forgiveness. What does is mean to forgive? What does it mean to love myself and be in peace? Does it mean changing my focus from myself and my own selfish thoughts and worldly desires and begin to see the beauty that lies within the flame of the candle in front of me? The way its pinkish glow that illuminates this otherwise dark room and the mesmerizing aroma that is meant to give you if but a moment of peace. The way the flame dances with the slightest of breeze. And even though it will eventually burn out it fights against all trying to end it. Is this what they mean? To fight back? To not burn too brightly because then you end up self destructing in the most violent of ways, but also making sure not to let yourself get too small because then you might never be able to rise again. But sadly, there doesnt seem to be a constant pace one can follow. It's a constant struggle to just keep your flame going. One wrong move and thats it. Youre done. Why? It seems to pointless, all this worrying and thinking and lack of reacting. It's just all so meaningless. What am I even worrying about? Why do I feel so stressed? I cant even answer these simple questions. And not being able to answer them stresses me out more and fuels my fears. I dont know how long Ill be able to keep fighting or if I already gave up without realizing it. That is really ******* sad.