Oct 2014
I felt like they were gone...not suddenly but subtlety lifted off my shoulders. Yet my burden seemed all the heavier. I waited til that night to check. I couldn't possibly have been prepared any time sooner to confront it. I avoided my phone all day. I hid all day from those good smells and those long walks that stir my liking. And I avoided the mirror at all costs...how could I bear to look. But night soon fell, and I knew there was no getting out of it. I had to see for myself.
I prepared.
I turned the ****. Spouts shot out in pulsating inconsistency: chilly at first but warm enough soon and hot and steamy not much later. I striped naked. I closed: the door behind me, my eyes, the curtains. Alone at last with them...at least I hoped. I prayed. I couldn't bear to check still. I was too scared. I didn't know how I'd react if the worst became, so I started with other tasks to soften the moment. I cupped my hand one and filled shampoo with the other. Ran my fingers through my hair and the burning rain. My head finished, I started scrubbing with soap but quickly stopped as my arms reached my chest. My heart was pounding...I could feel it. It was real. I could not bring myself to reach my hands up any higher. Yet I knew it had to be done. I had to check. I had to.
I took a deep breath. I wasn't ready...I knew I wasn't, but I made myself do it anyways. I reached up. I felt...felt. And my body stiffened, and my heart pumped icy shock through my veins. I knew it would be true. I was waiting for it all day. I have no idea what possessed me to wait til that moment to confirm. Yet there I stood: hot and cold, ready and shocked, prepared and disarmed.
In that moment, I felt: I grabbed at my shoulders frantically, searching ever inch of them for them, asking aloud (in my head) where they could be hiding. But I knew it already. They were gone. They were not hiding behind my neck (of course they would never put there differences aside and come together that close just to hide from me). They were truly gone.
And my stomach sank. The water, whether hot or cold in reality, became an instant sickening freeze: an anti-invocation of pure emptiness.
For the angel and the devil who had accompanied me 20 years hence, ever omnipresent on shoulders right and left, were gone. My shoulders held nothing. The angel flew out; the devil sank in. And there I remained: alone...truly alone for the first time in my life.
My logic and reason were gone. My judgment rendered untrustworthy, entirely to myself. My focus hopelessly lost. My decision too frightening to attempt without them. For it was: the angle and the devil were truly gone, and I was on my own.
I prepared.
I turned the ****. Spouts shot out in pulsating inconsistency: chilly at first but warm enough soon and hot and steamy not much later. I striped naked. I closed: the door behind me, my eyes, the curtains. Alone at last with them...at least I hoped. I prayed. I couldn't bear to check still. I was too scared. I didn't know how I'd react if the worst became, so I started with other tasks to soften the moment. I cupped my hand one and filled shampoo with the other. Ran my fingers through my hair and the burning rain. My head finished, I started scrubbing with soap but quickly stopped as my arms reached my chest. My heart was pounding...I could feel it. It was real. I could not bring myself to reach my hands up any higher. Yet I knew it had to be done. I had to check. I had to.
I took a deep breath. I wasn't ready...I knew I wasn't, but I made myself do it anyways. I reached up. I felt...felt. And my body stiffened, and my heart pumped icy shock through my veins. I knew it would be true. I was waiting for it all day. I have no idea what possessed me to wait til that moment to confirm. Yet there I stood: hot and cold, ready and shocked, prepared and disarmed.
In that moment, I felt: I grabbed at my shoulders frantically, searching ever inch of them for them, asking aloud (in my head) where they could be hiding. But I knew it already. They were gone. They were not hiding behind my neck (of course they would never put there differences aside and come together that close just to hide from me). They were truly gone.
And my stomach sank. The water, whether hot or cold in reality, became an instant sickening freeze: an anti-invocation of pure emptiness.
For the angel and the devil who had accompanied me 20 years hence, ever omnipresent on shoulders right and left, were gone. My shoulders held nothing. The angel flew out; the devil sank in. And there I remained: alone...truly alone for the first time in my life.
My logic and reason were gone. My judgment rendered untrustworthy, entirely to myself. My focus hopelessly lost. My decision too frightening to attempt without them. For it was: the angle and the devil were truly gone, and I was on my own.
