You are hurting me
You left me drowning for weeks
We have been playing pretend for a while now but
You cannot hold my head underwater
And expect me to breathe
Like you are not suffocating me
In this lake of incomprehension.
I have wondered three hundred and forty eight times in the past two weeks
If we were all right
When you asked
"Is everything all right?"
I couldn't answer because I wonder
If it is.
Two months ago you grabbed my pinkie at that dance and didn't let go, even when the blood rushed out and it turned blue. We had known each other less than twelve hours. You oozed confidence, didn't know the steps and yet you went for it.
I thought ****, he is going to be my best friend.
We are going to eat pop corn and have water guns fight and build fires and laugh for hours
And if happiness were a glowstick
I would wear yours on my wrist and give you mine so we would shine for each other.
I never got around to getting my glowstick back.
You never got around to giving me yours.

If happiness is a glowstick I am a toxic liquid broken by inadvertence and hidden under your bed so you don't see the memories I painted in your head when I broke open.

Somehow
I was a stranger then
I am a stranger now
In a very different way
The dynamics changed
And I don't understand how
You went from floating around places
To supporting this invisible weight you carry around
I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To wrap your hand around my easy heart

And choke me from the inside
Leaving me with the words you said
That made me laugh once
But make me frown now

And anger is building inside me like a volcano
Anger is rising to the surface like burnt milk forgotten on a stove

Anger is seeping into my veins because I have been nothing but nice

Yet
You make me feel like I am a bother
A stain on your carpet you cannot wash out
A nail sticking out of the furniture, just a little
                                           Out of place

I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To release me and slither away

As if I never mattered at all

As if I never existed at all
You told me you were glad
I had taken a chance on you

You told me I could be your friend
Only if you could be mine

You told me you would be there
Whenever I needed someone to talk to
***** data roaming

You told me to shout really loudly

If I could not reach you another way

You told me the both of us

Made a pretty good team…

… Unless we were playing Monopoly
 

And
I cannot help but wonder
How often I saw you
And if I had stopped and said "hi"
Would it have changed anything at all
I always wonder
How close we were

How often we almost met

How many times we may have passed each other on the streets
I always wonder if I ever bumped into you
And brushed it off
Just like you're brushing me away
With a flick of the hand
A chip on your shoulder
And it hurts because
Pretending I do not exist won't make me disappear
Ignoring the fact that I am alive
Doesn't mean I am dead.
I am very much alive
And I just
Don't
Understand
How
I was your friend
Then
But
I am nothing
Now
I have been choking on words for days
Wondering how I could talk to you
When we do not communicate anymore
Speaking out
Is always better than bottling feelings in
So I am speaking out in the only other way I know how
When actual words fail to be spoken
I do not expect anything
I just need to do this for my peace of mind
Because I cannot wonder forever
And stay silent
About the reason why you flushed
Our friendship
D
O
W
N
The drain.