I have drank a little too much.
I have smoked too much.
I am just going with the flow.
They say drugs and alcohol are bad for you,
but they help you forget your troubles
for a while and I consider that a gift.
      
       I don’t know all the people at
this party. It’s my best friend’s celebration.
Birthday’s are becoming more and
more important to me, because after
all the things we've been through, after
all the desire of wanting to let go of ourselves
and inviting death into our lives, we are still here.
      
        There is a certain boy at this party.
His eyes are like the rays of the sun, shining
through the darkness. His smile is making me
melt. He keeps glancing at me and looking away.
What is he thinking? Does he like me?
Does he think I look attractive?

      I am sitting outside with drugs in
my hand. Looking up at the sky, thinking about
everything that I have done with my life.
Carlos comes outside and sits next to me.
He asks me why we broke about 2 months ago.
I really don’t know what happened between us.
We start to argue about what a ******* up
girlfriend I can be. We come to the point where we
are yelling and suddenly he leans in and kisses me.
      
       What is Robert doing right now?
Maybe getting out of work. Going home?
While he is living life happily, I am kissing
some other boy. What if he knew what i was doing?
That would save me a lot of trouble trying to end
the relationship.
      
        Wow. I am a ****** up girlfriend.
Whatever, I am drunk and high. I have an
excuse for my inappropriate behavior. No, this is
wrong. I love Robert. I shouldn't be around any
guys when I’m under the influence. This has
happened before and I said I would not do it again.
      
        Well… Robert doesn't have to find out.
Nobody saw me and Carlos kiss. It was nothing.
I’ll just go back inside to the party and pretend
everything is fine, like nothing happened.
      
        I am walking back and forth through the party
looking for my friend Ashley,
like a lost puppy. Instead i find the
mysterious boy I like. He stares at me, smiling.
He takes a sip of his beer and starts
to approach me. He’s like the kind of
guys you see in the movies that you wish
you could date in real life.
      
        He’s so attractive. He talks so peaceful
and fluently like the ocean waves on a perfect day.
The way he is makes me want him. As he keeps talking,
all I do is stare at his lips wishing he
would kiss me. I want him to want me. I want
him to grab me by my waist, pull me close
to his body, and kiss me hard. As I finish telling myself that is not going to
happen, he grabs my head and kisses me.
“Sorry, I just had to,” he tells me.

~The rest of the night is a blur.
I don’t remember the whole night, only some parts.
You know when you watch a movie and
there is an intimate scene between two
characters, but you can only see some things?
Like them kissing intensely, or when
you know they are making love but can’t
actually see it? That’s how I remember the
rest of the night with that
mysterious guy.~

        For some reason I do not feel bad
for what I did with that guy. And I call
him “that guy” because we didn't ask for
each other’s name. Stupid, I know. I will
never get to see his shining eyes illuminate
my dark world again.Well at least I had a night
with him… right? I should regret it, but I don’t.
I’m sorry Robert.
But am I really though? I know I should be,
but I enjoyed it too much.

      That night was a night like they interpret in the movies.

      And I wish I had my sequel.