I've been told that I don't look depressed
That I'm too confident to have anxiety
But these aren't things that I immediately spill
The first thing I'm ever going to say to you isn't to not touch my shoulders due to bad memories
It's not going to be about how difficult it is to function without hurting some part of myself
I'm not going to throw my memories in your face the second we meet
And that's because it's hard to admit to myself, even
I don't think of myself as someone who's easily insulted and hard to understand
In my mind, I'm an open book that's filled with secrets if you're good at reading between the lines
You wouldn't know that I carry secrets that aren't even mine, that are burdened to rest upon me until the end of my days
You wouldn't assume that that smile disappears behind closed doors
It couldn't possibly be hard to figure out, yet I'm surprised if you do
Because the last person that carried the burdens of my life tried to **** herself
And I'll never recover from that
Because she wasn't the first that tried
And if I keep it up
I could be carrying another burden in no time
Which doesn't help with the fact that I just want to collapse on the floor in a heap of broken cries
I just want to rip my heart out of my chest so that it doesn't fill with pain at everything
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
I wish that the idea of being in a room full of people who don't even know my name wouldn't make me go into an attack
Because I could mess up
I always mess up
And I always get yelled at for it
I'll go into some sort of depressing state if someone pronounces my name wrong
Because I feel inferior to everyone
Because that's all I've ever been taught to feel
No matter how wrong it is
And I hope that my pain decreases over time
Hopefully faster than it is now
Because my chest still caves in, trying to support the tears that clog my throat and blind my eyes
A ringing fills my ears and a piece of me bends in a wrong direction, every single day
I need help