Jan 2011
I resolve myself to the hazy visions
That my mind won’t let me recollect
The idea that I have suffered through
This violation, my mind wants to reject
The expanse of darkness is deep
As my emotions of pain are wide
I fear my conscious would resign
If this heinous act I did not hide
I push it to the forgotten depths
Where the evil in me, now sleeps
I am determined to chain it there
Cleaving to the defiant beast it keeps
I wish to purge this pestilence in me
That secretly grows strong in my mind
I am forever probing for the stillness
Of emotional health I cannot find
Like a thief this monster steals me
Drags me lifeless into the night
Leaves me comatose with fear
I am powerless and without flight
I can only retreat into the blackness
Escaping the fate of my despair
I am drowning in my own anxiety
My reality is now far beyond repair
The disfigurement of my past hidden
By the mask of a smile left engraved
My road to hell filled with good intent
With my blood & tears it’s been paved
My waking hours are filled with space
Denying me the comfort of disregard
And into the night as the sun creeps
My soul is now and forever scarred
That my mind won’t let me recollect
The idea that I have suffered through
This violation, my mind wants to reject
The expanse of darkness is deep
As my emotions of pain are wide
I fear my conscious would resign
If this heinous act I did not hide
I push it to the forgotten depths
Where the evil in me, now sleeps
I am determined to chain it there
Cleaving to the defiant beast it keeps
I wish to purge this pestilence in me
That secretly grows strong in my mind
I am forever probing for the stillness
Of emotional health I cannot find
Like a thief this monster steals me
Drags me lifeless into the night
Leaves me comatose with fear
I am powerless and without flight
I can only retreat into the blackness
Escaping the fate of my despair
I am drowning in my own anxiety
My reality is now far beyond repair
The disfigurement of my past hidden
By the mask of a smile left engraved
My road to hell filled with good intent
With my blood & tears it’s been paved
My waking hours are filled with space
Denying me the comfort of disregard
And into the night as the sun creeps
My soul is now and forever scarred
I find it amusing how I can fight with strength the battles of my family and children but I can't fight my own nightmares. It is the window of time that is forever in a still frame and set to remind me of the ghosts that are set free to roam in my mind. They are the one thing I can't get rid of. It wakes me in the morning like an alarm and then follows me through my day while I go to work and kiss my kids and hug my fiance' and wear a mask that hides my torment. I will smile and walk in automatic mode while my mind is filled with anxiety for the night to come. I won't know when I lay my head down if I will be revisited by the ghosts of my past. I dread the nights when I wake up sweating and shaking and crying for the pain to stop. I am powerless to this memory that never sleeps.
