Oct 2014
They see it
Suddenly the mold I am trying to keep begins to crack
And the clay is ruined from the creases that form
As the pieces begin to fall away
Because life is chipping at each and every one for every second that I breathe
Every single day
Now, the exact people who I was trying to keep out
The ones who I wanted to respect me
Because I respect them so much
The ones who I kept putting on this face for
This false confidence that was the type of bravado a high school football player exerts when he says
"I got this" on the day of his first game
And he puffs out his barrel chest but really he is shaking in his cleats
They are the ones who know how not okay I am.
My extremely attractive (and married...but attractive nonetheless) teacher has seen me sob over my grades
Another, who reminds me of my grandpa, has seen me break down during a movie
That stirred up feelings of anxiety due to my current situation
And still a guidance counselor who, over the years, has been more of a father figure to me than my own father has been
Has seen me completely depleted because I cannot pull myself out of this situation that is draining the color from my skin
And the life from my soul
They do not get it
How am I supposed to just sit here and watch my best friend in this ungodly amount of pain
Because her father just died
And realize that I can do nothing about it
Without wanting to fall apart and come undone at the seams of my very being?
So now,
All I do is cry and sleep
And sleep and cry.
I can feel the remains of depression
Trickling down the back of my neck like sticky sweat
That triggers a nerve and makes every hair stand straight up.
Who am I?
I am just some nervous wreck basket case
Walking talking hot mess
To some, I am just some overly emotional *****
Who cannot keep her mood in check
And who invites pain and drama into her life.
Is that all that my life has become?
There must be more
There must be more
If there is not
Would it hurt me to fall into some indefinite coma that is synonymous to a black hole that will swallow my life
Into an undefined space, somewhere
As if I am just sleeping in limbo.
Suddenly the mold I am trying to keep begins to crack
And the clay is ruined from the creases that form
As the pieces begin to fall away
Because life is chipping at each and every one for every second that I breathe
Every single day
Now, the exact people who I was trying to keep out
The ones who I wanted to respect me
Because I respect them so much
The ones who I kept putting on this face for
This false confidence that was the type of bravado a high school football player exerts when he says
"I got this" on the day of his first game
And he puffs out his barrel chest but really he is shaking in his cleats
They are the ones who know how not okay I am.
My extremely attractive (and married...but attractive nonetheless) teacher has seen me sob over my grades
Another, who reminds me of my grandpa, has seen me break down during a movie
That stirred up feelings of anxiety due to my current situation
And still a guidance counselor who, over the years, has been more of a father figure to me than my own father has been
Has seen me completely depleted because I cannot pull myself out of this situation that is draining the color from my skin
And the life from my soul
They do not get it
How am I supposed to just sit here and watch my best friend in this ungodly amount of pain
Because her father just died
And realize that I can do nothing about it
Without wanting to fall apart and come undone at the seams of my very being?
So now,
All I do is cry and sleep
And sleep and cry.
I can feel the remains of depression
Trickling down the back of my neck like sticky sweat
That triggers a nerve and makes every hair stand straight up.
Who am I?
I am just some nervous wreck basket case
Walking talking hot mess
To some, I am just some overly emotional *****
Who cannot keep her mood in check
And who invites pain and drama into her life.
Is that all that my life has become?
There must be more
There must be more
If there is not
Would it hurt me to fall into some indefinite coma that is synonymous to a black hole that will swallow my life
Into an undefined space, somewhere
As if I am just sleeping in limbo.
