I don't feel safe in my head anymore
My head is telling me dark things
My head is dragging me down
It turns on me every night
When I hold on for dear life on the only arm that has always been here for me
I squeeze it tight and hope for the wave to pass but
It's not a wave
It's a Tsunami
Rushingrushingrushingrushingrushingrushingrushing
in my blood
   Coursing my veins with the incertainty of a future where I don't have to be alone
Coursing my brain with the possibility of a future where I don't have a choice
Where everyone around me has someone else's arm to hold onto
I have nobody else's but mine and it is
PAINFUL
Because I can't be understood and I can't change the way I am and
I talk
I write
I try
I try hard
I try so hard
I try so ******* hard
To be who I want to be
But
The weight is holding me back in the water
In the dark
Wherever it needs me
And I am there
Suffocating with the need to talk and the desire to be invisible
And I reach back and search
And hope for it to break
And hope it never does
And I go on to do things by myself because life goes on
And people move on
And no one waits for me because I have to hop on and make my own place
But as I watch them all go all I can think is that it's not my fault
I'm a little be twisted to the side
I'm a little bit twisted inside
I'm a little bit broken by years of not being taken care of
Because no matters how careful I am with myself
Each day I fall and break
Each day I'm a little more chipped
And I'm scared
Terrified of the day I will be one last chip falling into
O…
      B…
            L…
                   I…
                          V…
                                  I…
                                         O…
                                                 N…
Because we all fall astray
But I will fall head first
Because the arm I'm holding on to is my own.