I've seen the face of evil
It tried to stare me down
It expected me to run
But instead I stood my ground

Its eyes were bloodshot red
Like a ****** high on ****
Its teeth were in a glass
It tried to gum me half to death

Its nose was like a cactus root
Twenty times compounded
I've never seen a cactus root
I just like the way it sounded

A **** stood high upon its back
That looked like a wayward camel
Covered in hair from head to toe
It just had to be a mammal

Horns fastened atop its head
It had such a horrible growl
Each time it did, it would drool a bit
So I gave it a paper towel

I'm telling you this thing was evil
I think it wanted my soul
I finally tried to run away
But the thing wouldn't let me go

It grabbed a hold of my belt loop
And I was pulling with all my might
I think it gave me a ******
Cause my underwear was gettin' tight

The beast was trying to **** me
Then someone turned on the light
If you think it was mother-in-law
Then, once again, you're right