I saw his smile for the first time and a while and he almost looked happy to see me. I’ve still never met anyone with those eyes; I instantly forgot his old lies and how I’d always cry. His smile was happy. I remember how he’d laugh with tears after we made up after a fight. I remember looking into his eyes when they were an inch from mine; we’d be kissing and smiling and miserable in love.  The true misery came when absence cured the pain his love left. Even now, having coffee on a Tuesday night, his smile, like ice, expands to fill the crevices of my soul only to later drain away, leaving me aching and cold and wet in this bitter winter. I want to cry. I’ve done it hundreds of times. I hated him while and after we dated, and I don’t know if love was enough. Maybe I’m the crazy one. Maybe I was always crazy, and I chased him away. Maybe we were too perfect in our differences, and the universe in its cruel existence ripped us apart without explanation. Maybe he’s made a deal with the universe. Did he ever love me? Can sixteen year-olds love? What about when they’re twenty? He ruined my life. He made me who I am. 2009 was the worst year of my life. I’m glad I forgot about him, but weirdly, I’m glad he came back. I liked looking across the table from him as I sipped my coffee. It was bold and warm. He doesn’t eat meat either. Maybe we were meant to be together. Maybe I should never see him again because I keep having stupid ideas about love lost. Maybe I should cry. It’ll take months and months to forget the feeling I got from the smiles he shared in the two hours of our conversation. Do I love him? I don’t. That’s the sad part. I loved him. Why do I still feel this way though? Shouldn’t it be over? He doesn’t love me anymore. Does he? He started contact. He smiled at me. Life is long. Things change. They change, but they can change back. Maybe he does work with the universe. He could’ve made a deal and this is our parallel universe where we end up together. We could still. Life is long. His smile is something worth trying for. His smile and his eyes made me real. They trained me. They broke me. The shouted and cried and gave me mean stares and pleaded and suddenly disappeared. Could they be back?