... I feel jealous, in a way.

I feel like I have to get this off my
chest, even if it has been so blatantly obvious the ENTIRE time
I've known you... I've always liked you; more or less,
I've loved you, Jack.
I always admired you, and no matter how much
I try, I can never stop.

I feel like I'm just an eternally smoldering,
nearly put out ember;
I burn brighter on occasion,
but the rest, it's come to pass as a dull, aching pain in my chest.
I've tried to bury it down and away with
Dan, and I was indeed, happy for a time.
It can just never last, unfortunately;
if it had, I would never dream of disclosing this to you.
You don't know how many times I lay
in bed, thinking about how different things
would have been if things never fell down and apart.
Most nights, I keep thinking that you fell in love
with the wrong Lillian.

I feel like I have to prove myself to you at every
step I take, trying to make myself valid
in your *eyes, but it seems like all
my attempts are in vain. You told me, that if I really
loved something, I would let it go. You
basically wrenched my hand away, and unfortunately, it feels like
I still have a single thread of your shirt in my fingers,
twined
tangled so deep
that the string may never come loose.

It kills me, as
I must be faithful to Dan, and see you fall in love
with this engaged girl,
it just burns me up so much in jealousy,
because I see you in love with some other girl named
Lillian and I just can't help but wish that was me, wish
I was that girl, wish I had your love.
I don't want to **** up, and I want to be perfect
in your eyes, and it stings something
fierce when I'm yelled at by
you.

I feel like I can't fully devote my heart to
someone, if another has a piece hidden somewhere in
history, and this is true. I just... I just can't move
on. Please, I beg of you;
keep this to yourself,
don't speak to--

I feel like I’m almost obsessed with you.

**And... May I say, it doesn’t feel nice.