I panic at the thought of being alone
I found solace in a classroom
and even that was taken away
I get dizzy when I encounter my blood
though everyone says the bond is unconditional
I sit in the midst of those that say they love me
I weep and not one of them sees
I cry out and not one of them understands the pain in my shell of a heart
I try to be good but sometimes I can't control it
It all comes out- actions, words, thoughts, feelings
in a mess of emotion and release
A release that causes nothing but pain
I wish I could control my fate
I need control of something
The slight reprimands of actions not yet taken
Just instigate what shouldn't be started
I can't keep up to the future
I want to tear my heart in pieces
Hand one to everything that has a greater control
Over my blood than I do
And tell them all to do as they please
Mold a new heart from the old
Recycle the broken me into a machine
Because it's feelings and freedom of thought
That started this mess
My insecurities and weaknesses lead me to the brink
But a machine is monotone and cold and hard and
Frankly much more suited to the others
Than my blood-pumping heart is.
I want to stop living under the perception of control
Give everything up once and for all
Allow the gears to slip from my unwanted brain
Into the hands of the finest technician
Or perhaps the cheapest, as that would be what I deserve
Become reprogrammed to follow the whims of
Everything that controls my blood.