it’s late
and i’m tired of everything
and everyone
i'm tired of myself too

i hate feeling like this, i really do
but they say
there’s a kind of sadness you can get addicted to?
but i’m not addicted to it
i think this is what
drowning feels like
in a treacherous sea
of responsibilities, expectations, doubt,
hunger, lies, facades,
it’s pretty grey
the grey isn't pretty

i don’t know how to swim?
Neither do i have a buoy
keeping afloat is hard
your chest is heavy
and letting go becomes oh so attractive

i long for the day when
it will all be okay again
when i’m bigger
when i’m better than who i am today

maybe then i’ll understand all of this