I deal with fear nearly every single moment that I'm awake.
My past has left me a very fearful present.
I am also afraid and that feels very different.
To me, being afraid is the current not directly tied to my past.
Just a side effect.
***Afraid of being fragile.
Afraid of being pitied.
Afraid of being angry.
Afraid of being mean.
Afraid of failing in school.
Afraid of being abandoned.
Afraid of my husband leaving.
Afraid of losing everything because I can never grip it tight enough.***
I try to wrap my arms around Afraid
because I cannot hold it all in my hands.
But then a tremor wiggles through my hand.
And then it works its way up my arm.
My shoulder shudders.
My head twitches.
The other shoulders rolls as my other hand is paralyzed.
I am limp and worthless to contain Afraid.
Afraid tells me that I'm doing this all wrong.
That I'm not healing right.
Good enough.
Fast enough.
I am afraid of Afraid.