He says he's a **** up. That his heart is the one that sways, that he fears shattering my heart.

He doesn't know, he doesn't understand.

I'm  not trying to say he's perfect, but he does not realize how awful my attention is. The focus flips and twists and turns and he doesn't realize that on a dime I could change my mind. Then I'd be the ****-up.

Commitment is not my strong suit. He deserves so much better than me, but he doesn't know it yet. Not until I turn around and say I forgot and that nothing means a thing anymore. I want to be different, I do, but I don't know if I can. Because one week away from him and the thoughts are already rushing in.

I'm already trying to find something wrong, something to **** us.

**** Up. I want him to **** up so I can free myself. I am a **** up for refusing to stay with a man I love. **** up everything for selfish reasons, trying to find ways out just because I get distracted too easily.

I have never cheated, and I never will, but I will ruin something great for a maybe. **** maybes. **** the fact I cannot stay committed to one person. Maybe that's why I was so afraid he wasn't committed, because I'm not.

I want to be good to him. But I don't know if I can.

I'm the real **** up.