I am so desperately tired of not feeling good enough.
I'm tired of not making you happy to the fullest extent but honey,
I don’t even know how to make my own heart beat with joy.
I crave worthiness like it’s the blood pumping through my veins.
I want to feel pretty.
I want to think to myself “I did that well,”
but no.
That’s never what I think and it’s never what I feel.

I work my body until I’m sweaty and dizzy
but I still don’t like what I see in the mirror.
I hold off on food because I think a few less calories may just do what I want them to do.
I work my mind until I can no longer sleep because there are no cracks for calm to fit in.
I hint to you that things aren’t okay because I want you to tell me that I,
me as I am,
am good enough,
but you just do not understand that.

So here I am, left crying into a pillow until my throat is too hoarse to talk
and my teeth won’t stop chattering
and my hands won’t stop shaking.
And eventually, if I can, I take a blade to the person I hate.
I punish my tormentor until she can no longer stand.
And then I make her look in the mirror so that the cycle can start all over again.

Please show me that I'm precious so that I can look at a blade without craving its touch.
Show me you love me as I am so that I can stand tall and not hide a thing.
Show me I am worthy so it won’t start all over again.

Teach me how to love myself so I can love you without abandon.