When I make the right sequence of choices I get here, my safe place where all the valves shut off and thoughts float through, without lies, pretension or hope

I want the vices
I wanted him
I like the hunger it gives me the numbing and the numbing turns everything dark
   but with a flicker of a browned red, you could miss it if you've never stayed here, in the satisfying pain. You can live any life here; mother, lover, CEO, or happy because nothing really gets in
                                            and no one really cares to notice
and solitude becomes always, not just when alone
skin explodes with the tingle of a touch that won't ever come

desire wanes, and dreams extend to the dried blood red where there is a hope of home but expectation of morning, which feels impossible and hellish
  just the right amount of pain
when it gets to be too much you just turn another valve off

it'll pass or you'll die trying and either way you win; the sweetest taste, darkness embraced