Why?
Because
Of you
And you
And me.
Mostly me
in reaction
to the both of  you.

He's
got me locked up
Shot frozen
In the midst of worldly knowledge
And survival tactics
that I wish I could mimic
But that have me curled up
in the shower
Wondering
What if I never happened too?
Clutching the slick curtains
Wondering if I melded
into Cruella Devil?
And crying on a level that
Overpasses the physical
Because I know it should only be true.
And stuck
In the middle of my day
Questioning mid-sentence
Mid-conversation
if I am losing the sanity
I thought I regained
Over a year ago?

And now,
Because I dove in head first
into your endless pool of mixed signals
Even two years in,
I cannot figure out
Whether I am just scared
Or I am lacking in love?
That I am not sure
I have
Unless I'm hooked around his curls
And leaning into his lips
Or staring at him blankly
And when I stare
It only takes two
seconds to look
away , wonder
Is he seeing
your eyes
Through me?
Am I giving him
What you gave me?
Am I giving him anything
or did I give what little I had
to you?

Am I giving him an sweetly wrapped
Empty box for a gift?
That I may have mistakenly put
Unsatisfied lust in?

Or am I really scarred at all?
And maybe I never cared
at all
about either of you
And every tear was a child
Crying over her lost toy.

Or maybe
I am deeply sad
Because I am fussing
over boys
instead of becoming a
neuroscientist
and I let you tell me
that becoming an art teacher
wasn't enough.

Or maybe,
Neither of you were worth
my time.
But were necessary for me to find it

Or maybe,
life just is what it is.
And all stories
have at least three different sides
And maybe, sometimes
Words just don't want to get out of bed
to string together to make
my conclusion-less,
spineless
poems.