The first time i spoke to you, I was already more infatuated by you than I was by any other person I had ever met. This terrified me beyond belief because I thought, "if this is how I feel now, how am I going to feel once I get to know more of him? How am I going to survive that?" Quite frankly, I'm still wondering how I managed to do so. I guess a part of me thought that if I pointed out all your flaws, if I found out all the things that made you a monster, I'd grow to hate you. I somehow made myself believe that it would help me not fall for you. This part of me knew that we could never work, that I could never let myself get attached to you. But all your flaws only made you even more beautiful to me, and I'd find myself thinking of nothing other than the curve of your lips, the way your eyes shone brightly and how your teeth were always a little crooked but in the most perfect way. You let me into your mind, you told me about all your demons, and how each of them turned you into someone you didn't think you were supposed to be. My defenses fell off of me like water, I let myself become vulnerable and I know that I shouldn't blame you but I do. When you left, I told myself I was fine because I knew from the start it would be like this. I shut my emotions off and I'd laugh whenever your name came up. I'd shrug and say, "no, I don't even care anymore. He wasn't that great anyway." But I knew. I knew from the very first time we spoke that you were going to be the first person I would fall in love with. I'm sorry I didn't know how to deal with your sadness, and I'm sorry I couldn't find the strength to make you stay. I keep telling myself that you'll come back when you're ready but even I know that's not true. It's been so long since I last spoke to you and I don't know why I haven't been able to stop remembering you. I'm sorry I'm not willing to accept this. I'm sorry I'm not willing to let you go so easily. I'm not sorry for loving you, but your voice still lingers in my head and every time I close my eyes, all I can see is what your eyes must have looked like when you finally told me you were leaving. I should have learned by now that you can't make homes out of human beings but I always found comfort in your body and I finally understand the difference between house and home. I can't bring myself to talk about how broken my hands are from the last time they touched you, or how all I can taste in my mouth now is blood. I don't know how to forget the way you always rained poetry, or how every time you smiled up at me, my heart would beat so quickly I'd have to kiss you just to stop it from jumping out of my mouth. Without you, it feels like I'll be stuck in winter forever. I'm ******* freezing and I've always hated the cold.