this was the first goodnight. i wrote that last bit for her, bt she was to tired to read it. i understand completely and its perfectly fine, but it still hurt... i cant really say i expected her to be all super upbeat about talking to me anyways so i feel like this was a long belated goodnight. She was asleep when i finished it, i should of just let her sleep, but no i had to wake her up i had to bother her like always. i know i annoy her a lot and that she probably didn't want to talk to me but, she was only doing it to be polite. I'm listening to stolen dance - Milky chance, its 4:37 am, i have to drive for 7 hours two the beach and I'm leaving in 3 hours. i haven't slept in 35 hours. i don't know how I'm going to do it. that had nothing to do with anything but i felt like that'd be something good to say. idk why I'm dumb. I'm useless. id be better off dead. i wish i never meet people that way i wouldn't get attached and i wouldn't get hurt when i mess things up. i hate myself. i wonder if i can make pancakes without waking anyone up. why the **** am i here? what is the meaning of life? 42!!!. shut the **** up. I'm tired of annoying people. what is the worst part about me? whats the best part? is there a good part? why can't i hide my emotions like everyone else? why is everyone so rude to each other? Why are ******, gay, stupid, ugly, ******* used in everyday vocabulary of teenagers and adults like how old do you have to be to understand that using word to spread hate is not going to get you anywhere in life and thats not okay.      I hate goodbyes. the main reason is because you never know if it is actually the last time you'll ever talk to or see that person again. the worst part about them i hate is what if you don't get to say goodbye what if you were die without saying goodbye. or how you never said goodbye you jus stopped talking to me and left me to wonder what i did to deserve it knowing completely that its because I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve to speak to someone as amazing as you. **** I'm hungry. I want Taco Bell right ow, id get a number 6 ( two steak chalupas a soft beef taco and a baja blast freeze)that order makes me happy. i like being happy, i don't know why i don't do it more often. maybe its because i cant look in the mirror without thinking there is nothing good about me. i like how i could **** myself knowing very well that people would miss me and people would cry at my funeral. I don't know how the **** i got here from goodbye. you said goodnight i said bye. you don't love me, i never stopped. I'm sorry i do i cant help it. we used to love each other, a lot, and i wish that never changed. i want this to be as long as possible but i also want this to be over. i will do my best to never do wrong by you, but you know that wont happen. in listening to Bad *** - kid ink, its 4:57 am. i need to sleep but i cant. i'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you you never deserved anything i ever.