a week ago i  lost my mind in the aisle of the grocery store
between the trash bags and the nail polish
i haven't found it yet but i'd like it back
so i can try to think about

what my life could be without you
and what i could be without you
where i could be without you
and who i would be without you
if i could be without you.

sixteen years ago i was compliant and my brain was too.
we were cool,
no fighting no screaming no cursing
no nothing, we were cool.
we were so cool.
(nothing was cool in 1997.)

six years ago i grew up, grew into myself and into my world.
grew out of my world,
into a new one a bright one a better one.
grew into my world.
(i am still growing.)

six months ago i thought i was fine.
i thought i was fine,
thought i was on task on schedule on point.
i was not fine.
(you were not fine either. do not act like you were.)

six weeks ago i packed a suitcase.
i filled it with you,
filled it with your voice your laugh your smile.
i should not have filled it with you.
(i should have packed another sweater.)

i left you on a beach in provence.
i hope you like the weather.
i do not love what does not love me back.
i will not waste my time on you again.
(you are not worth it. i am worth it.)

it was raining when we got on the plane,
i hope it's pouring now.
i hope you're gasping for air.
(i want you to choke.)

tomorrow at the grocery store i will search the aisles for my brain
between the trash bags and the nail polish
i haven't found it yet but i'd like it back
so i can think about

how much better i am with you
drowning across an ocean.