all day,
moping around
crying to myself
and doing
nothing
while
the world whizzes by
and my life comes
to a stand-
still

there is more beyond this
and I cannot stand to not
chase it

I’m getting up!

I yell this,
silently,
to the paper
I write
on

I’m moving on!

I scream louder,
the page not changing
except for what I
add

I’m better than this!

I cry,
tears welling up
but refusing to come
out

and the page sits uninterested
beneath me

this is what I needed

to be completely ignored,
to be told, without any words
at all, that I don’t matter
to truly know, that there is
nothing I can do

anger swells within me
but it turns back
and burns my insides
refusing to hurt
anything other
than what is to
blame

I sit here

burned out on the inside
torn apart on the out
and I have no words

not any more

for what it feels like to be me,
right now.

punishing myself for being pathetic
challenging myself to be better
knowing only, that  I cannot be
stirred