Searching for Home

Home used to be where the heart is.
My grandparents home, was always home to me.
Safe haven, warmth, shelter from any storm.
Support from loving family was never wavering.
I pushed it away as I sought my own life and love.
It became my passion.
I dove in feet first, committed to making it work.
Always making it work.
Finding solace in routine, tasks done to help keep the family happy, healthy and clean.
All went unseen.
Drowned by drama, overshadowed by the negative.
How powerful it can be, almost intoxicating.
Shaming and blaming became routine.
Sprinkled with times of laughter and brief love that made the bad not so bad.
Truth, trust, love, companionship all shattered when the words fly.
The truth has been spoken.
Finger has been pointed in my direction as the cause of the pain, misery, and waste of time.
What was only pity and obligation, I thought was true love.
The matrix has shown itself, never to be unseen.
Cast aside like an old pair of shoes, too old, worn, and ugly for further use.
My confusion and pain lie in the tortuous way this lie of love decays.
Uncontrollable crying, self blame, heart is broken, mind is shattered...
The lie was very convincing.
My loyalty and commitment shot down in flames and perceived as mere selfishness hurts me more than I can handle.
The greatest lie ever lived has now been exposed as merely a charity case without family, without a home.
If home is where the heart is, where has mine gone?