She filled 18 years with

anxiety
hopeful looks
lipstick shades
wishes on the promising stars
and candles extinguished
observations
hiding from attention
making her first grade teacher cry
being a dog's best friend
and catching frogs in a butterfly net
trying so hard to give music a formula
and singing songs made for someone else
ignoring the gut she is supposed to go with
and letting decisions slip out of her possession
questioning companionship
and loving anyone who loves her
no exceptions
thinking pianos are pretty
even when not played
hiding secrets in the lump in her throat
trying to avoid conflict
and stir up something not so new
equality
knowing her mother wants a sailboat
and her dad wants peace of mind and maybe
an extra 'I love you' here and there
her sister will only love her most current reality
and she will never be home again
it's been six years since she called anywhere home

it's been 18 long years
of the torturous perfect life

she forgot to say thank you for so long now
and that still keeps her guilt alive
in the nights she lies awake