I stood in the steam and tried to feel human again
Tried to feel anything at all
The hot water beat down on me like angel wings, and the steam rose up like flowers in winter, and I breathed in the clean smell of apples mixed with my own blood
Trying to remember if this is what happiness smells like
I stood there, in the embrace of scalding water, like the aftermath of the world's demolition
Letting summer rains wash away the rubble and the ashes that crowded the empty streets in my mind
And in the steam I felt my heart rip open as the murky warmth seeped into my skin
Behind a glass door, thick with the condensation of the lies and the fake smiles I slipped out of and left lying on the bathroom floor
I let myself die in the steam while the water washed away the granules of sincerity that stuck in my blood-matted hair
And breathing out the moist, heavy density of my own broken personhood
I stood naked in the solitude of my momentary shelter
Hoping to never feel human again