i don’t know why or how or when
the exact moment was when i was too far gone
to pull myself out of the quicksand of love with you
but it must have been long, long ago,
before our lips ever met because right now
i’m trying to remember how to breathe properly and
last night i accidentally found myself at a small house party
surrounded by people i adore but had no
desire to make meaningless conversation with
but i did anyway, because that’s what you do
on the Friday night of the week your heart is broken
“do you mind if i smoke?” i asked, not listening or caring
what the answer was or if i had ruined my reputation or first impression
all i could think about was you and how
you hadn’t answered my text, again, for the millionth time
and how i just needed something to inhale,
right then right there right now
as a substitute for you and your
absence.
the eight of us sat on the three story balcony and i was
the only one removed from the conversation, consumed
by the fact that the sun was setting and the full moon was
beckoning me like a pale magnet
as if to say,
“i’m still here, love
i will stay.”
i thought about promises and how i don’t believe in them,
i thought about you and how long you hesitated
when i asked you if you love me,
i thought about me and how stupid i am for
doing this to myself again,
all the while sitting there pretending to laugh
at a story somebody was telling about something,
something, i can no longer remember.