You think that I don't try,
that I've given up.
That isn't true,
I wouldn't still be here if I did.
Lying in bed,
every night,
I have to convince myself
that tomorrow will be different,
that somehow I'll find the strength to push through,
that life is worth living.

Everyday,
I think about what it'd be like
to not have to worry anymore
to not have to pretend anymore
to not have to lie to others anymore
to not have to lie to myself anymore.

I have hit rock bottom before,
like I told you.
How that fifteen or so ounce
revolver
felt like the weight of the entire world.
How squeezing the
trigger
felt like everything finally going away.
How the sound of the
blank
made me question if its what I should be doing.

I try, everyday
just to keep my head above water.
As you already know,
I can't swim.