I remember clearly
The night he ended up proposing
It was late and he was sleeping over
Till his new apartment was getting ready to sign over.
We cuddled and talked
And I decided to walk
Back to my room where my sleeping would start.
My phone buzzed and I looked to see
It was his text asking
"Come back to me"
Down the hallway
Was too far of a journey
And at the end he was down on one knee.
Sleepy resolve in my brain thought he was searching
For something in the dark and he was working
To find it.
Turns how he was looking
For my hand and found my eyes
Then asked if I would spend my life
With him.
How to answer a 3 am inquiry?
Was he really asking me?
If I say no then it could break
The progress I worked so hard to make.
Still in darkness I agreed
Knowing that I couldn't find anyone better for me.
Who else would look at me so lovingly
Promising me to never leave?
That's the problem with suddenly feeling
When you do, you do it negatively.
Pondering extensively about your worth
And the other options in life could be worse
Then being wedded to a man
Who vowed to love and always stand
By my side until the end.
Who I could consider my friend
And not just the nicest guy I've made love with.
My past was sketchy and here was my chance
To erase the roughness of that sketch.
I prayed to make the best of it
But god forgot to listen, I guess.
The things I confess
Isn't out of innocence
It wasn't god that ruined my faith
In a sense
It was me
And I take full responsibility
Of where my fearful actions took me.
So we add libbed an engagement ring
From a local food lion vending machine
I had no use for diamonds or sparkly things
From someone to prove their love to me.
Being loved should be proof enough
All the rest was material stuff.
Once word broke out that I was engaged
I lost some friends that I had from back In the day
The guys who I collected hearts from
Crawled out of the wood work and then begun
To whisper memories of them and I
They sprinkled the magical "what if" dust behind my eyes.
Some I was devistated to leave behind
They were a huge part of my life.
Lose the ring or say goodbye
To everything we brought to light.
The friendship, the comfort, the lengthy nights
Filled with the conversations that got me by.
I found myself alone during that time
My fiancé had me all to himself and he said it was his right.
No one else should catch my eyes
Regardless of those he spoke to
Ex loves of his life.
It seemed fair and I couldn't disagree
That the ones I had love had many times misled me.
Preaching love eternally
Then turning their backs when my heart would bleed.
No one else could possibly love me
Except for this boy who was taking me.
Part 4 is when I gradually declined
From a petchulant child warrior
To a ***** peeing herself behind the firing line.