Josh,
I can't even figure out how to put my thoughts into words at this point so I figured I'd just babble on about whatever comes into my mind.
God I love you. I really miss you. A lot. Like I miss you so much sometimes I find myself not being able to breathe...I find myself staring at a wall for hours just thinking of what my life has become since you died. Since March 5th 2006. I was 7. Three days from being 8, and my brother dies. You died Josh. I still can't comprehend that. You have been gone for over half of my life now and I still pray to God that it was all a dream. My brother, my 14 year old brother. When I think of the day I become weak and unable to speak as the lump in my throat starts to over throw my body. I just wish I could have stopped it, I wish I was there, I wish I could hold you, I wish it was me...
A lot has changed. I'm sure you know that if there is a Heaven. I hope there is. I hope you're okay. I need you to be okay because I'm not okay.I'm scared Josh. I'm scared because I can feel myself becoming everything I never was and I'm watching as I break down and no one can help me. I've tried to fix myself but I'm too damaged and I'm falling apart Josh I don't know what to do. I wish you were here to reassure me. I wish you were here to tell me I'm ok. I'm not going crazy and then to grab me and take Matt and I downstairs to play a board game. Or maybe play "bartender"...haha. I was playing a game about drunk people before I could multiply. Fuck. I miss you.
I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough sister, I took you for granted because I figured I'd have a million more years to repay you for all your actions. I didn't. All I can do at this point is write you this letter and hope you're watching over me reading it somehow. I love you Joshua. I really love you and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I was more affectionate because all I wish for now is to be able to hug you one last time. I really miss you a lot and I love you so much wow I fucking love you Josh. No matter where you are I know I still have my brother watching over me.
I love you. Come back.