I wish I could go back and
change what I said
You are so much more than
unique
with bright eyes returning from the battle.
You keep waking up.
I once knew how to breathe air that wasn’t filled
with my own need.
But this isn’t about me.
Mia. Mine.
I want to give you tight squeezes to my chest
keep you from the pain
that I never could have recovered from.
So on this day, remember what you felt,
what you will never stop feeling.

Fists closed, cheeks turned upward
tongue out.
Rain feels like moonlit kisses and you want
nothing more than to drown
in their sweet caresses
Fall asleep to the sound of mandolin,
baby, you’re miles from here.
You daydream of dolphins and glasses
unbroken
baby you’ve got work to do here.
Dig toes into half wet sand
salty silences grace each curve of your
hands as you want to
pray
instead, you smile
laugh like you’ve just seen the Queen
dip her chipped tea cup into the
ocean before you.
You grow.
Look in the mirror and notice
hair, body, face
recognize your little rebellions as you make
mistake after beautiful mistake
Feel the weight of the last day of
moving away
remember what safe sounds like.
Ride boats in the night
take the wheel and
you’re flying you
always have been.
Return to the shore
hope to flop your belly to the land
hold it close not
drift away
never go back the way the water went.
Taste pasta smooth as that man you once met
on Maple St.
You devour the coyote calls and dark halls
bit by bit
baby, you’re moving alone here.
Feel your own baby
feel his little breath and puckered
toes.
Kiss his nose and weep like
Mother Mary must have. Like
every mother must have.
Catch him as he runs from you
swing him round and read aloud
“the end” watch him say
again again
Move aside as he grows tall
You work long shifts now
tips taste like new shoes for
Chase good food a day
out of the house.
Feel your mother around you and she
has to go
“traveling”
she might have said.
You take father’s ashes you take
the basket with a story
dedicated to you.

You can’t go back now
You face forward, hand plates to the hungry
hope to hand them your own doubt
You dance to
Dave Matthew’s Band
you didn’t think too much of it.
Touch the fuzz on her head
feel grateful she has all of her fingers.
Let your bones rest
let them be.
You watch them grow.
Too quickly to pause but
take in every second before they
can fly too.
You are sick but
you keep waking up.
Move happily from sand to water
take in laughter from the other side.
Grow, grow as you drive
2,736.5 miles to a new home where
Maddie will bring you raspberries
and talk of smelly ghosts in the next room.
Where you’re son will nearly die and live
again. Bringing what light he can.
drive away sea air again the water is
darker somehow. Feel the pull of California
you are coming home.
Unpack boxes filled with past treasures
beam at memory and intended scrapbooks
keep on keepin on
scream with joy as
September plays
baby, you’re 16 again
hips sway and pain fades away.
There’s more to taste, so much more from
this day.