I despise
I detest
I abhor
I abominate
I strongly dislike
I hate
Why did this happen?
I hate that we
never talk anymore.
I hate that I
(still)
freeze up and can't talk to you.
I hate that I
get so self-conscious.
I hate that you
gave me false hope.
I hate how you've
started smoking,
become a stoner.
That kills me.
It makes me want to
slap you
hard
across the face.
I wish I
wouldn't look at your face
and see
a missed opportunity.
I wish I
wouldn't look at you
and become so filled with regret
that I want…
to hurt myself.
I wish I
could look at you
and feel nothing.
I just want to forget.

And then…
after all these
red
angry
thoughts
quit rushing through
my brain
all at once,
a tiny part of me says
in a whisper
that feels like a shout,
"Why are you blaming him?
It's your fault, you know."
And then everything
collapses
around me.
I want to sink to my knees
and curl into a ball.
I want to cry so that
my tears
disintegrate my body
until there is
absolutely nothing left.
Because deep down,
I know this is true.
It was because I
couldn't talk.
I was
too quiet.
I was
too shy.
And now,
when I look at you,
all I see
is what I saw
before.
But now,
whenever I see it,
a deep longing fills my chest.
I hate that feeling.
I wish this
wasn't so frustrating.
You probably look at me
and feel nothing
while I look at you
and radiate disappointment.
I hate that you
made me feel this way.
I hate that you
can move on so easily.
You were important to me
you *******.