Jun 2014
Mom, do you remember all of the times I confided in you?
Crushes, school, and how to be “cool”
I needed your advice.
You have always been there for me. My rock. My support. My superhero. My friend. But it seems that kryptonite hit superman and my rock has turned to dust.
You know, I have always been a carbon copy of you.
All your flaws, your attitude, your dimples, your insecurities,
The way you can’t move on,
Your rigorous mood swings,
Your smile.
I’ve never wanted to be anything other than just like you.
Mom, do you remember how close we used to be, it seemed we were inseparable.
We used to be able to finish each other’s sentences,
But now it seems like I am speaking a foreign language that you can’t comprehend, as I watch our relationship bend into something that even I cannot recognize.
We were each other’s support when things got tough
You taught me that life was not a perfectly paved road.
Life is Michigan roads after a hard winter, covered in potholes filled with disappointment and speed bumps of living happily never after.
And I could handle it as long as you were around.
Our family has always been dysfunctional, split in two.
You know dad and I never got along, he’s always loved your boy, his son.
It’s always been us- just us
And that was enough.
But the day that she passed
You left me.
Not in body but in mind.
And now I’m alone.
I was there when she died too, you know.
Watching your closest grandparent die isn’t easy. And neither is feeding her, changing the bedding, helping pick out the casket, helping write the obituary, speaking at the funeral, being a pallbearer, laying roses on the casket, the list goes on.
I haven’t gotten one good night’s sleep since she died. 7 months ago. Every night being tormented by nightmares.
I was 14.
Mom, do you remember how you became silent, building up walls to protect us so that you couldn’t hurt me like grandma did when she left.
And, as always, I followed in example.
Every silent stare, Look of disappointment, Frown or Broken promise you slung at me helped me to build up my wall brick by brick until my hands were calloused and my heart was cold.
You gave up.
And I don’t want to follow in example, but it seems like that is my only option.
The role of mom was cast by different actors.
My counselor.
My friends.
My teachers.
Myself.
The words I love you became non-existent. Replaced with echoes of: it’s all in your head, things will get better, or nothing.
No amount of slits on my wrists, failing grades, fake sick days, or pounding fists could make you act like you care again.
Mom do you remember me saying, help me. If not, I will say it a million more times to get you to listen to me.
I am starting to doubt my ability to save our relationship.
Can’t you see that I am struggling? When I say I want to give up please don’t look the other way. It is my way of saying as politely as possible that, that I want to die.
I can’t manage to be strong anymore.
Momma, do you remember the day you got angry and left? I cried for hours until you came back home but it feels like you left me and never came back.
Please tell me you love me and tell me you care.
Give me one reason to hold on to this world I have grown to hate.
Just, please save me.
Mom do you remember when I said goodbye?
I meant it.
Crushes, school, and how to be “cool”
I needed your advice.
You have always been there for me. My rock. My support. My superhero. My friend. But it seems that kryptonite hit superman and my rock has turned to dust.
You know, I have always been a carbon copy of you.
All your flaws, your attitude, your dimples, your insecurities,
The way you can’t move on,
Your rigorous mood swings,
Your smile.
I’ve never wanted to be anything other than just like you.
Mom, do you remember how close we used to be, it seemed we were inseparable.
We used to be able to finish each other’s sentences,
But now it seems like I am speaking a foreign language that you can’t comprehend, as I watch our relationship bend into something that even I cannot recognize.
We were each other’s support when things got tough
You taught me that life was not a perfectly paved road.
Life is Michigan roads after a hard winter, covered in potholes filled with disappointment and speed bumps of living happily never after.
And I could handle it as long as you were around.
Our family has always been dysfunctional, split in two.
You know dad and I never got along, he’s always loved your boy, his son.
It’s always been us- just us
And that was enough.
But the day that she passed
You left me.
Not in body but in mind.
And now I’m alone.
I was there when she died too, you know.
Watching your closest grandparent die isn’t easy. And neither is feeding her, changing the bedding, helping pick out the casket, helping write the obituary, speaking at the funeral, being a pallbearer, laying roses on the casket, the list goes on.
I haven’t gotten one good night’s sleep since she died. 7 months ago. Every night being tormented by nightmares.
I was 14.
Mom, do you remember how you became silent, building up walls to protect us so that you couldn’t hurt me like grandma did when she left.
And, as always, I followed in example.
Every silent stare, Look of disappointment, Frown or Broken promise you slung at me helped me to build up my wall brick by brick until my hands were calloused and my heart was cold.
You gave up.
And I don’t want to follow in example, but it seems like that is my only option.
The role of mom was cast by different actors.
My counselor.
My friends.
My teachers.
Myself.
The words I love you became non-existent. Replaced with echoes of: it’s all in your head, things will get better, or nothing.
No amount of slits on my wrists, failing grades, fake sick days, or pounding fists could make you act like you care again.
Mom do you remember me saying, help me. If not, I will say it a million more times to get you to listen to me.
I am starting to doubt my ability to save our relationship.
Can’t you see that I am struggling? When I say I want to give up please don’t look the other way. It is my way of saying as politely as possible that, that I want to die.
I can’t manage to be strong anymore.
Momma, do you remember the day you got angry and left? I cried for hours until you came back home but it feels like you left me and never came back.
Please tell me you love me and tell me you care.
Give me one reason to hold on to this world I have grown to hate.
Just, please save me.
Mom do you remember when I said goodbye?
I meant it.
