The Boy.
His smile.
I had always been caught up in it.
He was far too good for me.
And I accepted that.
It was the middle of seventh grade
My life was ripping apart at the seams.
I was alone.
My friends had left me.
The boy, my “boyfriend” hurt me.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Cried. All the time.
But that’s what I deserved.
I was alone.
I couldn’t smile.
My life. Was. Ruined.
Mom was in the hospital.
Cellulitis.
I had had enough.
Given up.
Suicide notes.
Typed hundreds of times.
Cutting.
Contemplating suicide every night.
My life. No meaning.
Struggled to even look myself in the mirror.
I went to the talent show.
To read my poem.
He was there.
Perfect.
Just who I wanted to talk to.
We had grown close.
I sat down next to him.
He started playing his guitar.
Days later.
I got the courage to tell him I liked him
He “liked” me to.
Wow.
Days later we were “going out.”
He gave me self-confidence.
Even though he had little for himself.
He mended my broken life.
Getting cut once or twice himself.
I was happy.
Disaster struck a year later.
Fighting.
Broke up.
Crap.
Lower than ever.
Dad’s cancer.
Grandma dying.
Grandma dead.
Best friend’s suicide attempt.
Best friend’s cancer.
Crying.
Cutting.
Suicide attempts.
He was there.
Not in the way he used to be
But as a friend.
Came to my grandma’s visitation.
Helped me when I couldn’t smile myself.
Courage.
He helped me to live through every day.
Stopped cutting.
Counseling appointments.
Put on the right meds.
I might still be unable to look at myself in the mirror.
I might still want to give up.
I might still struggle when things get really bad.
But.
Whenever I want to give up.
I know that he would hate me.
He can’t hate me.
Razor in hand.
Tears in eyes.
I cant do it.
Not now. Not ever.
He wouldn’t want me to.
He is one of my best friends.
Could tell him anything.
And have him not bat an eye.
No matter how horrible.
Without him, I wouldn’t be here.
Without him, I would’ve been six foot under.
Without him. I would’ve been nothing.
Life is far from perfect.
Nowhere close.
Cry. Often.
Still struggling.
Not as bad.
He saved me.
He saved my life.