Jun 2014
whenever I talk about art my mind gets so flattened
I wondered if I did wrong tormenting the album horn of plenty by Grizzly bear- I was listening to the song "don't ask" and I saw myself singing a cover of it- it was so **** good to hear for the first time. I wondered what I should do sitting opposite a cute girl I just had this exhausting conversation with. I wondered if I got up and left if she would want me more or something- I was wondering if something happened between us and one day she said she loved me what her first impression would be- why she fell in love with me- maybe the fact I displayed a passion. She said she was born in august- I knew she was a Leo- as am I - though I didn't take the arbitrary source of attraction too seriously anymore- given my last relationship with an aries was hell. Though I did learn a lot; This seemingly was my mind in the wake of all the strange patterns I once had- before and when I met her- I was trying to change these. I saw she had tinder on her phone- and I knew today after a talk with some ******* OkCupid - this is not how you meet women. So I wondered if I should delete it before I get to know her better or worse- get matched with her on there. I thought maybe she had a boyfriend - she was doing a masters - maybe she thinks she was too old for me - I don't know. excuses excuses. I sneak a look at her- she has a nice nose.. I don't know why- but I always check a girls nose out- its one of the things I find I fall in love with easiest. I thought about the song- how I always wanted to write music like this or like the fleet foxes. One of the few bands that both me and alice liked- she said at the end of it- something about how we don't like the same music or our sense of humor was off - and that we should just be friends because of that. I realize she always had a really strong front- Evidently that wasn't what she wanted- just some friendship- but I knew that. I want to say she was weak for not telling me the truth at the end. That the music thing was just ******* and there were other reasons we had for not being together. But I guess she really wanted to separate - given the fact she made it the trivial and banal and subjective of reasons for not working together. The saddest part about it all was that I still feel we had something though I know that is probably *******.
Last night I gave her friend Xiaoxuan some relationship advice- since I realized a lot of things lately and I guess she kinda valued my opinion or something- idk tbh I think she probably just really wanted to talk about her hopeless romance as a way of rationalizing her hopeless love interest that she didn't even have- I would know since I literally just did that with Alice. Though I still think we had something- though I guess through her I am learning a greater sense of self love. I told her she should get out of that situation with some guy who had a girlfriend and led her on calling her his second best.
Today I had plans to meet a girl I almost went out with who chose another guy over me. We stopped contact for a while- and then she messaged me we started talking again trying to be friends. she was also an aries.. odd. We were going to go to yo sushi to take advantage of the blue mondays deal and she did something strange and yet unusually familiar. She messaged me at 6 today to say she couldn't make it today. then again at 8 to say never mind. I asked her ***? and she said she didn't sleep - we spoke for a bit and I said "so yes then?" and I seem to remember her saying something like yes. so we continued to chat and then she cancels again saying she feels like ****. And then it hit me gently- I was in the same position as Xiaoxuan. and a few pieces fell into place- for one I remember how only a day before we were talking and she said are we still meet ing for lunch- I didn't reply - I told I was annoyed and didn't feel like chatting- e.g. *******. and Then she sent me this message- something ilk if you don't tell me in 10 hours I am making other plans- I said of course I want to go - I asked you to begin with after all. And just as calmly as I realized her playing me - messaging me at 2 and calling me sug sug and all that ****- I calmly told her that what she was doing was really rude- canceling 2 hours before meeting- as I made a distinct effort to make myself available to meet- and she was disrespecting me by canceling like that - especially bc i had some **** bad hay fever this morning anyway- I realized I made myself too available for people that are unavailable- but they are only unavailable usually because I am so available. As soon as I told this bothered me she behaved really callous to me - so I know exactly what she was up to. I felt good for telling her this ****** me off- but to be honest I got a bunch of pizza last night with Xiaoxuan. She didn't have any - but rather picked off the remains- the first night I had oregano since I last saw alice and we had that horribly awkward "date" with Xiaoxuan. I gave a few slices to a homeless man who said he hadn't eaten in 2 days. I felt bad for him and gave him 3 slices. He was nice guy and I could tell he was just hungry. It felt good helping someone else out for once- if anything I couldn't imaging me saying no.
I remembered some other special advice I gave to Xiaoxuan - that she should contact the girlfriend of that guy who was playing her. Because clearly he wasn't happy just with her. It was evident that it was the same with most people I knew in relationships- except for Alice.
She had 2 boyfriends since she was 13 and seemingly had a perfect sort of upbringing. I hurt me to think that she might of felt bad at any single moment and could tell me or anyone else about it. She had to be grotesquely strong inside to keep all those feelings in - since no one has a perfect childhood. Or maybe she was the one person who did.
I felt it was a shame that high self esteem would have to be passed on so callously through example. I realized she felt good about herself most of the time. And didn't have constant regrets and bad feelings about herself as I- and most people have. And thats why she couldn't stand for me I suppose. Since I was all too aware of the sensitive nature of peoples nature.
I find it would be a paradox to be so independent and feel so good on my own - and that somehow that would make me a better lover- or more liable to get into a relationship. Rationalizing emotions- seemed ludicrous and yet made so much sense. Given the situation I got myself into with Alice I can't blame her for everything- that would keep me from learning- was one of the few lessons I learned.
Something about this girl reminded me or Elena- someone who I think was in love with me at a certain point. And I treated her like every girl I "fell in love" with treated me.
May was the girls name. She just got up and left. She added me on Facebook and we said maybe one day we will meet to play some music or something - she sang. We just had a last minute conversation- about why my work was late- how I was kinda depressed - but I was feeling better now- more or less. She recommended I get a girlfriend- which confused me. Since that was quite explicit- but yet suggestive but I won't think about it- since my mind is three feet below my thoughts and three feet above my heart -and it's probably ******* anyway.
I wondered if I did wrong tormenting the album horn of plenty by Grizzly bear- I was listening to the song "don't ask" and I saw myself singing a cover of it- it was so **** good to hear for the first time. I wondered what I should do sitting opposite a cute girl I just had this exhausting conversation with. I wondered if I got up and left if she would want me more or something- I was wondering if something happened between us and one day she said she loved me what her first impression would be- why she fell in love with me- maybe the fact I displayed a passion. She said she was born in august- I knew she was a Leo- as am I - though I didn't take the arbitrary source of attraction too seriously anymore- given my last relationship with an aries was hell. Though I did learn a lot; This seemingly was my mind in the wake of all the strange patterns I once had- before and when I met her- I was trying to change these. I saw she had tinder on her phone- and I knew today after a talk with some ******* OkCupid - this is not how you meet women. So I wondered if I should delete it before I get to know her better or worse- get matched with her on there. I thought maybe she had a boyfriend - she was doing a masters - maybe she thinks she was too old for me - I don't know. excuses excuses. I sneak a look at her- she has a nice nose.. I don't know why- but I always check a girls nose out- its one of the things I find I fall in love with easiest. I thought about the song- how I always wanted to write music like this or like the fleet foxes. One of the few bands that both me and alice liked- she said at the end of it- something about how we don't like the same music or our sense of humor was off - and that we should just be friends because of that. I realize she always had a really strong front- Evidently that wasn't what she wanted- just some friendship- but I knew that. I want to say she was weak for not telling me the truth at the end. That the music thing was just ******* and there were other reasons we had for not being together. But I guess she really wanted to separate - given the fact she made it the trivial and banal and subjective of reasons for not working together. The saddest part about it all was that I still feel we had something though I know that is probably *******.
Last night I gave her friend Xiaoxuan some relationship advice- since I realized a lot of things lately and I guess she kinda valued my opinion or something- idk tbh I think she probably just really wanted to talk about her hopeless romance as a way of rationalizing her hopeless love interest that she didn't even have- I would know since I literally just did that with Alice. Though I still think we had something- though I guess through her I am learning a greater sense of self love. I told her she should get out of that situation with some guy who had a girlfriend and led her on calling her his second best.
Today I had plans to meet a girl I almost went out with who chose another guy over me. We stopped contact for a while- and then she messaged me we started talking again trying to be friends. she was also an aries.. odd. We were going to go to yo sushi to take advantage of the blue mondays deal and she did something strange and yet unusually familiar. She messaged me at 6 today to say she couldn't make it today. then again at 8 to say never mind. I asked her ***? and she said she didn't sleep - we spoke for a bit and I said "so yes then?" and I seem to remember her saying something like yes. so we continued to chat and then she cancels again saying she feels like ****. And then it hit me gently- I was in the same position as Xiaoxuan. and a few pieces fell into place- for one I remember how only a day before we were talking and she said are we still meet ing for lunch- I didn't reply - I told I was annoyed and didn't feel like chatting- e.g. *******. and Then she sent me this message- something ilk if you don't tell me in 10 hours I am making other plans- I said of course I want to go - I asked you to begin with after all. And just as calmly as I realized her playing me - messaging me at 2 and calling me sug sug and all that ****- I calmly told her that what she was doing was really rude- canceling 2 hours before meeting- as I made a distinct effort to make myself available to meet- and she was disrespecting me by canceling like that - especially bc i had some **** bad hay fever this morning anyway- I realized I made myself too available for people that are unavailable- but they are only unavailable usually because I am so available. As soon as I told this bothered me she behaved really callous to me - so I know exactly what she was up to. I felt good for telling her this ****** me off- but to be honest I got a bunch of pizza last night with Xiaoxuan. She didn't have any - but rather picked off the remains- the first night I had oregano since I last saw alice and we had that horribly awkward "date" with Xiaoxuan. I gave a few slices to a homeless man who said he hadn't eaten in 2 days. I felt bad for him and gave him 3 slices. He was nice guy and I could tell he was just hungry. It felt good helping someone else out for once- if anything I couldn't imaging me saying no.
I remembered some other special advice I gave to Xiaoxuan - that she should contact the girlfriend of that guy who was playing her. Because clearly he wasn't happy just with her. It was evident that it was the same with most people I knew in relationships- except for Alice.
She had 2 boyfriends since she was 13 and seemingly had a perfect sort of upbringing. I hurt me to think that she might of felt bad at any single moment and could tell me or anyone else about it. She had to be grotesquely strong inside to keep all those feelings in - since no one has a perfect childhood. Or maybe she was the one person who did.
I felt it was a shame that high self esteem would have to be passed on so callously through example. I realized she felt good about herself most of the time. And didn't have constant regrets and bad feelings about herself as I- and most people have. And thats why she couldn't stand for me I suppose. Since I was all too aware of the sensitive nature of peoples nature.
I find it would be a paradox to be so independent and feel so good on my own - and that somehow that would make me a better lover- or more liable to get into a relationship. Rationalizing emotions- seemed ludicrous and yet made so much sense. Given the situation I got myself into with Alice I can't blame her for everything- that would keep me from learning- was one of the few lessons I learned.
Something about this girl reminded me or Elena- someone who I think was in love with me at a certain point. And I treated her like every girl I "fell in love" with treated me.
May was the girls name. She just got up and left. She added me on Facebook and we said maybe one day we will meet to play some music or something - she sang. We just had a last minute conversation- about why my work was late- how I was kinda depressed - but I was feeling better now- more or less. She recommended I get a girlfriend- which confused me. Since that was quite explicit- but yet suggestive but I won't think about it- since my mind is three feet below my thoughts and three feet above my heart -and it's probably ******* anyway.
