two days before Thanksgiving
you asked me to leave our house
because you were "tired"
and "unhappy" and "overwhelmed"
knowing i had no job, no car
& we would've been homeless
i couldn't make sense of it
and usually it was you who did
the leaving and i had to clean up the mess
every few months when you were "tired"
what you didn't tell me
came to light after you begged me
to come home
making promises you never
intended to keep
until she showed up at my house
in front of our daughter
playing messages where you
were telling her that you loved her
after knowing her maybe 3 weeks?
she wanted you to pay
for hurting her
not giving a ****
that i was someone's wife
& there was a child
within ear shot having to hear these things
she cried because you "broke her heart"
and i cried because nobody should've been hurt
i hugged her because i'm an idiot
for taking on a pain that wasn't mine
but i felt so guilty for all this
because i was so used to carrying your guilt
& you told me after we were evicted
that it was all about the money
that you were laying with the farmers daughter
because you somehow felt entitled to a better life
you should've told me these things
you should've been honest
but i've never been allowed that
and i thought i was strong enough
to make things work
but some things are so broken
that there's no mending
& it's useless pretending
& i'm sure there were so many others
because nothing about our "marriage"
was ever solid, or loving, or whole
it was just me being drug back and forth
promises, promises, promises
lies, lies, lies
and i never really knew you
because no one really does
you become whatever you need to
if it'll make your life "easy"
you were still doing terrible things
things that i will never tell anyone about
when i decided that i couldn't stay
because i was so close to breaking
and completely losing myself
and i honestly felt like i would die
had i stayed
and i wanted what was best
for everyone
& sometimes the best
is freedom