"I am sorry, I am selfish,"

Tonight again, I pray for you,
I am a silly child, I lie.
To pray would be a misguided description.
I scream not for you but to have you by my side, not his.
I ask nothing more than a child should from the world,
I ask that every time that my heart is wrenched,
It is not because my mother’s voice cracks at your name.
I am sorry, I am selfish.

I apologise for my anguish, my anger, my agony.
I apologise for the tears that stain, like blood, this paper.
I apologise for all that has been done,
For me to deserve these lonely nights of terror.
May I ask, again, what was that?
That which dealt me this darkened hand?
And that which sealed my tormented fate,
Of this fatherless existence?
I am sorry, I am selfish.

Need I say that these words I write on this page,
Are being driven into the paper,
With such force and anger,
That the pen snaps and the paper shreds?
As if my head has deceived my hands,
That the more power and convictions put into a phrase,
Will make it loud enough to earn God’s glance?
He has no father, he cannot comprehend.
I am sorry, I am selfish.

I am sorry, I am selfish.
Do not listen to me.
I am a child without direction,
I am a child without a father.
This is the last time I can allow myself,
To fall to my knees and beg.
This is the last time I can allow myself,
To demand your return from the callous embrace of death.
This time I have failed you,
I am sorry, I am selfish.

"forgive me."