5:09 AM on no sleep and I feel so uneasy. I'm the furthest from proud of myself, just barely hanging on this month and in the past few days, I've relapsed back to a point I thought I was past 3 months ago. It also just hit me how close I am to losing my grandpa who isn't well. I have become the worst wreck of my life, but I'm still here, still pretending things are alright. Truth is, I lay awake too often until 5 in the morning and I'm probably not alright.

Nothing that happened in the past 12 months helped a thing. My health continues to deteriorate. At least my parents finally showed up in my life and friends to keep me going.

I lost the love of my life and learned I was losing my grandpa too, both of which I loved more than anything on earth. One raised me and the other became the reason I lived.

Speaking of that, I'm running out of reasons to pretend...
"I don't want to live without you..." and next week **** she was gone.
My grandpa doesn't want to die.