ducked by the toilet
fears and sorrows
vomiting hoarsely
I can't help but wonder
will the pain ever end?
Will I ever be satisfied?
I can starve myself all I want
and purge all the food
and never stop the exercise
but when will it change
when will I finally look okay
I weighed 135 once
that was just a few months ago
I weigh 110 now
and that's not drastic enough,
I can do better,
I can do better,
Will the pain end?
I don't know.
Should I just take that razor and end it now?
no,
no,
because deep down I know
that one day,
someone will love me
and I'll be okay
and that it'll all come together
if I just do better.
so I wrap my stomach and sweat disgust
***** my organs if I can
throw the food away--
I can do better,
I know I can.
I need Ana's help,
she's always there,
encouraging me.
I believe in Ana
and Ana believes in me.
I'll destroy myself
until I feel okay.
Again and again
until the pain numbs.
I'll never stop,
because I can do better,
I know I can.