We used to spend time together,
sitting in your old green beater,
eating ice cream in the park                                                          3 6
I remember you never understanding
my preference for bubblegum and mint flavors over chocolate.

I'd squeeze through this hole in the chain link fence
you would climb it.
I wasn't afraid of getting caught
I knew you would take charge.
And we never did.                                                             ­            3 6    
We would sit at the top of the canal
you would skip rocks.
I could never get the angle right.
I thought that you were so amazing. I loved you.

Surfing was wonderful
I remember loving the feel of the board beneath me
and the water touching my legs
and the smell of it all,                                                             ­      3 5
but I mostly remember how special I felt that you took me with you.
I loved you.

The duck pond by my grandmother's house that we would spend hours together,
feeding the ducks cheap bread and jumping from stone to stone.
You fought off the aggressive geese                                           4 6
I swung myself on the swings while you watched
sometimes you would push me and I felt like I touched the sky.
I loved you.

I remember calling you names in your parents house
insulting ones in jest, because I knew                                         3 4
if I did you would touch me, tickle me,
it made me feel like you loved me too.

But then you started working and you weren't around.
You'd call, but it wasn't the same.                                               7 15
You called me so often talking about when you'd be back around,
when I could see you. I tried to assure you that I was fine. Did I?

You met another girl, you even moved in with her,
so wrapped up that you forgot to turn the lights on and let Tiger die,
your iguana and the boa constrictor that lived in your closet died too.
I remember being sad when you told me.                                 7 8
I think It was an omen now.
Like the death to our own relationship.

This girl was nice, she smiled a lot and sounded sincere
but you stopped calling me "angel".                                          7 8
we didn't sleep together anymore.

Instead when I'd come up to visit you,                                     7 10
you were gone and I slept on the floor while you slept in her bed.
I remember finding the rubbers there underneath, so unclean.

The other girls in your house teased me
because I didn't like horror films, or thrillers
but you would always leave...
So I would sit as far from the tv as possible and cover my eyes and tell myself that you would come out soon or come back.
That you would make it go away because you didn't tease me about it.
One night I got so scared I paced the hallway                          7 8
as quietly as I could trying to calm the pounding and my body shaking.
I almost opened your door but I shouldn't have to rely on you.
I just didn't want to bother you.
I felt like I bothered everyone else there.                                  7 14

I bought candies and gave them to the girls
because I wanted them to like me.                                             7 8
Because you liked them, and I still loved you.

But I felt like you had started to forget about me.
You would say that you'd meet me at noon
and then call to say four                                                             ­ 9 12
until it was six and you said you would see me tomorrow.
I felt like I was a bore, I must be.

After you forgot me multiple times
my mom said that I can't let you dictate my day
no matter how much I wanted to see you.                               9 15  
So I started going on walks when you were late, which was always.
It happened so often that I don't remember how many times.
I felt myself letting go of who I thought you were
because you weren't that person for me anymore.                

We didn't go to the park or eat ice cream or do anything alone.
You brought her everywhere.                                                    7 22
I remember waking up and
not knowing where you were or where you might be.         13 16

And then he came along and was funny,
and liked to eat junk food with me.
We'd swim in his pool                                                             ­    8 9
I thought that I had found someone to heal the hole you left.
But he didn't, he got angry and verbally violent.                   9 12
I was so afraid but I didn't think you could save me.
I didn't tell you.

After you'd call and all
I heard was disappointment in your voice
I lacked education.
You didn't like my isolation.  
And how I needed to get out there.                                         9 16
How I can't let what other people think or do discourage me.
But I did... I let your behavior fill me with discouragement
I thought it was what I was worth.

I thought it was the last straw when I started watching his kids
and you said it wasn't my responsibility
I said that if you had helped me I wouldn't have to.          12 18
That shut you up real fast. Did you feel responsible? At all?
That maybe if you had been a man instead of a boy
you could've seen that I only wanted to be accepted by you,
to have your respect.
You were the first boy I ever knew,                                        1
and my favorite color was blue because it was yours too. 4
You had seemed so sure that my hair would turn
dark brown just like yours;                                                     6
and I would be so sure it wouldn't.

I just wanted to be important to you,
to make you proud, to feel like I was more to you,
to feel loved by you.                                                             ­     0 now

Because I should have been, Dad.
I deserved more... I deserve more from you.                       *always.