Sometimes when
I walk home
In the morning
Before the sun
Is even awake
I play with little scenarios
In my head

I think it's something
Everyone does
But this specific morning
I thought of you
And that time in
Your truck
And I realized that
A part of me wished
You had just pulled
The trigger

Not because
Part of me
Is slightly suicidal
Or wants to
Die
Even though it is
Inevitable

Not because
I wanted
The school to
Shut down
And mourn for weeks
Over me

Not because
I've always wanted
To see the look on
Her face
When she threw away
My belongings
And skimmed over the
Words
I ******* hate my
Mother
In my preteen
Diary

Not because
I wondered what
People would
Say about me
And if their words would
Even be true

Not because
Deep down in my
Heart
I wasn't sure
If you
Would even bother
To show up
At my
Funeral

But I wished that
You pulled the trigger
Because then
Hopefully
You would have gone to
Jail
For my ******
And I know that sounds
Like a bad thing
Because I guess it is

But at least
You would have
A roof over your
Head
And three square meals
A day

And maybe that's
A weird way of
Thinking

But you really would be
Better off
Without me