It's hard to teach myself things sometimes
I repeat the lessons as if I were in primary school again, memorising times-tables without success, willing the numbers to form in my mind
I know I should love myself enough to get away from you,
In simplest terms, talking to you makes me hungry for more
I don't want casual banter, I want your palms to my lips and your legs wrapped around me
I want intimacy like the kind I've always been scared of, to look into your eyes without shame or fear
But I do fear
Because you don't want the same
You don't want me the way I want you, you want to unhinge my mind and let loose the secrets, to eat them like snacks
There is something wrong with you and I could help diagnose it
god knows I do it for all my friends
But you call me crazy and you make me feel hard to love and that bruises me from the inside out. I am a walking wound
I have loved others like you
People who have whittled me down into toothpicks to use once and throw away
I have let go of a lot of people like you, who make feel like I'm always dressed inappropriately even when I'm naked
But I can't learn from my mistakes
My love for you is a monster inside my chest
shrieking and clawing at you
Desperate and delusional
I know this is all going to blow up in my face but I'm going to enjoy this moment right now
when you told me you loved me for the first time