May 2014
I feel alone.
I feel tired.
I feel ill and pained.
I feel as if there is nothing to look forward to in my life.
I feel like maybe dying at the age 20 isn't so bad after all.
I feel sick from the way that I've been allowing myself to consume food the past few days which is making me feel like a failure and since I feel alone there is not one soul that is here to assist me through my low times.
I feel like I can't talk to my family about going to see someone about my physical and mental health alike because I've tried and they seem to think I'm fine and I feel that the only way to fix it is to LOOK physically sick enough for them which has me feeling like an even BIGGER failure because I just ate a crap ton of food and there is no way to take it back.
I feel that my friends don't get that they are lucky to get even a single word out of me most days because every day is literally a giant struggle between my mind and my heart and my body and to even function like a semi normal human being takes more strength than I have nowadays.
I feel like everything is just crumbling to bits around me and the people meant to be here through the worst times are the ones setting fire to the pieces of my life as they plummet to the earth.
I feel like no jar of hearts or inspirational book or memoir or documentary or extensive research can bandage the wound that has been infecting me for over half of my life.
I feel as though crumbling to pieces myself and being set on fire thus wasting away to nothing before I even have the chance to hit earth like my life around me may just be the answer to my problems.
I feel stuck in a life that isn't mine and knowing that I deserve more but cannot get there because I'm not "enough". Not smart enough, not thin enough, not talented or skilled enough in any way to climb over the debris that continues to tumble and pile up tremendously high around me.
I feel cracked.
I feel broken.
I feel tired.
I feel ill and pained.
I feel as if there is nothing to look forward to in my life.
I feel like maybe dying at the age 20 isn't so bad after all.
I feel sick from the way that I've been allowing myself to consume food the past few days which is making me feel like a failure and since I feel alone there is not one soul that is here to assist me through my low times.
I feel like I can't talk to my family about going to see someone about my physical and mental health alike because I've tried and they seem to think I'm fine and I feel that the only way to fix it is to LOOK physically sick enough for them which has me feeling like an even BIGGER failure because I just ate a crap ton of food and there is no way to take it back.
I feel that my friends don't get that they are lucky to get even a single word out of me most days because every day is literally a giant struggle between my mind and my heart and my body and to even function like a semi normal human being takes more strength than I have nowadays.
I feel like everything is just crumbling to bits around me and the people meant to be here through the worst times are the ones setting fire to the pieces of my life as they plummet to the earth.
I feel like no jar of hearts or inspirational book or memoir or documentary or extensive research can bandage the wound that has been infecting me for over half of my life.
I feel as though crumbling to pieces myself and being set on fire thus wasting away to nothing before I even have the chance to hit earth like my life around me may just be the answer to my problems.
I feel stuck in a life that isn't mine and knowing that I deserve more but cannot get there because I'm not "enough". Not smart enough, not thin enough, not talented or skilled enough in any way to climb over the debris that continues to tumble and pile up tremendously high around me.
I feel cracked.
I feel broken.
